Comparing yourself to others - the ultimate weapon of mass distraction.
I’ve never been one to get distracted easily. When I find myself in the depths of a particular task - writing up a blog post, reading a book - it’s pretty difficult to come back up to the surface, to the world cluttered with notifications and calls. But just show me one example of someone my age seemingly doing life ‘better’ than me, and that’s it. The focus is shattered, and the thoughts start pushing through the floodgates: ‘They’re doing all that, while I’m only doing this.’
For the next few hours - or worse, days - that razor-sharp focus I had directed on my goals is lost, blunted by panic-laced comparison. And then, just like that, demotivation takes ambition’s seat at the table, and progress is stunted.
We know that comparing our growth to that of others is one of the most destructive habits out there. So, why do we insist on doing it? And how can we stop doing it? How can we redirect that energy into the work that really matters - the work that’s needed to achieve our goals?
Self-comparison is a challenge that has increasingly come to the fore for me as, after a 2-year social media hiatus, I’ve recently submitted myself to the necessity of Instagram and Twitter to share my work with a wider audience. Overall, it’s been a rewarding experience to connect with readers across the world and receive their much-needed feedback (and - let’s be honest - encouragement). But with my re-emergence into the social media sphere, the demon of self-comparison - a demon I thought I’d exorcised long ago - has also re-emerged.
I’ll be the first to admit that, while I use social platforms to promote this very blog, I’m not blind to their shortcomings. However, I know that the practice of defining our self-worth and our happiness based on that of others is something we were doing long before Facebook joined the party, and will continue to do long after it leaves.
Social media just excels at amplifying the insecurities and doubts that we seem to store in the depths of ourselves. We stumble upon loud declarations of milestones being unlocked all the time, through LinkedIn job updates, Instagram posts, even follower counts. And they all add to that ceaseless chatter in our already frayed and frazzled minds:
‘Shouldn’t I be a homeowner/engaged/in my dream job by now, just like everyone else around me?’
The short answer? No. The longer answer? Down below.
Let’s unpack the two key exercises that have helped to extract me from those endless comparison loops.
Expose the futility of comparing yourself to others.
I recently talked about the unconventional 7-year route I took to complete my university degree. This was a period of my life in which I’d often find myself in a mental hamster-wheel of self-comparison, watching my friends graduate without me while my financial instability continued to tighten its grip. On the surface, it made sense to me to compare my situation to theirs - we were all studying together, living together, progressing together.
However, a closer look at it all reveals the information I’d conveniently overlooked - presumably to allow self-pity to operate in full swing - while I was comparing myself. Essentially, I was equating the situation of the majority of my peers - peers who were eligible for local university fees, with access to student loans - with my situation: an international fee-paying student with no access to financial aid. Our circumstances were starkly different, and thus impossible to compare.
Of course, when you lay out the facts like this - objectively, with a clear mind - the sheer futility of the self-comparison exercise becomes glaringly obvious. You wonder how you ever thought it reasonable to weigh up the proverbial apples against the oranges, and reality gives you a good shakedown.
So, the next time you ask yourself why you aren’t a successful YouTuber like your best friend, or escalating the career ladder at breakneck speed like your former colleague, take a step back and assess the cold, hard, facts of the situation, and then decide if you need to keep comparing yourself. The answer will - and should - always be no, because your circumstances will never be exactly the same as those of anyone else. They are uniquely yours.
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Identify what makes you unique, and harness it.
Expending your time and energy in comparison transforms into an even more detrimental habit when you allow it to distort the way you approach your goals.
When I was writing my first piece on this blog, I started by trying to emulate the writing style and topic choices of my favourite bloggers, in the hopes that this would help me amass a following of their magnitude. The approach failed colossally. The writing was a crazy, hazy mess - the sentences disjointed, the words clunky - and it just didn’t feel like it was me writing at all. So I decided to scrap it all, choosing instead to (rather unoriginally) just be myself. Hopelessly cliché, I know.
But the moment I’d made this decision, the moment I started writing from my heart, in my words - that’s when the magic started to flow. I am fortunate to have many unique stories to share, with a narrative constructed across an unusual mix of cities and continents. If I really had tried copying the content equation of other bloggers, I wouldn’t be telling the stories that make me me, the ones only I know how to tell. Why would I pass up on such an opportunity?
You know best what makes your journey inherently yours, so harness it. Channel your time, your energy, your talent in making the most of it, and keep your focus steady on your endeavours only.
Believe in the value that you can offer to the world, not relative to the value others are offering, but relative to how yours is uniquely placed.
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And finally, it’s important to recognise the fine line between comparison and admiration. If there’s someone out there - a friend, a prominent figure - who inspires you, look at their achievements as positive motivation to fuel your progress. Just make sure you swap those negative thoughts of ‘I could never be that good’ to ‘I’m working towards that goal and, one day, I’ll get there too.’
So, the next time you compare yourself to others, remember: no two situations will be the same and so, no two situations will be comparable.
Don’t allow your unique stories to exist only in the shadow of someone else’s, reducing your own light to a subterranean, muted version of itself. Their progress shouldn’t serve as a distraction from your end goal. When you do reach that end goal, it won’t matter at all. So, it shouldn’t matter now.
There is so much more value in just unapologetically being yourself, and seeing where that takes you.
Until next time,
S
Tell me: Do you battle with self-comparison? What helps you overcome it?
Cover image captured at Wonderfruit Festival, Thailand.
